7 Things We're Not Going to Ask Women in 2019
Look, it’s finally Women’s History Month. A month of celebrating how exceptional, brilliant, and bright women are. A month of uplifting and unifying your favorite ladies like “I SEE YOU” and confirming how gifted they are. Yeah, we’re beautiful too but, that’s not all there is to us.
For example, a month ago Kay and I were having our monthly meeting about all things Dream On Youth. I told her about my enormous college-ruled notebook where I had been jotting down some blog ideas. I started reading the first one, “questions not to ask women in 2019”, and we shared this look over Google Hangouts.
Now, you can either listen to this piece on our podcast or, read the details below. The choice is yours! P.S. It’s so sad this has to be an article on our blog, right? Like — sighs heavily — seriously?
#1. “When are you having kids?”
First of all, who told you to be all up in my ovaries like that? Second, this is so cringeworthy and awkward that all I can do is laugh. Personally, I would like to have kids one day but I know plenty of my friends who don’t. Yes, I’ve been guilty of the “but why” questions too because I’ve been taught to believe having kids is a normal next step after marriage. In fact, I’ve been taught that marriage is the next step after you graduate college or get the fancy job. Like, ummmmm…what???
I apologize to any woman I’ve ever questioned about the decisions they make with their body. I apologize on behalf of all the doctors who told you that you were too young to decide you never wanted kids. And, for all the people who said “it’s a phase. You’ll change your mind.” Some people don’t want to repopulate the earth if the world ends okay. STOP.
Speaking of that whole marriage thing, that brings me to our next question that bugs me like no other.
#2. “When are you getting married?”
I HAD to use this GIF of the queen of shutting people down, Rihanna. I mean, you’ve got guts asking me why I don’t want to get married young. Especially, when divorce rates are rising and shows like Married at First Sight exist. I legitimately watched people graduate high school, get married, and get divorced before I was 25. That’s disheartening and terrifying.
Look, I’ve been single for most of my 28 years. I don’t regret it. In fact, I wish I had been fully single and not focused on someone else during certain seasons of my life. The thing is, this question doesn’t stop when you start dating someone. Oh no, it gets worse.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 2 and a half years. I've lost count of the number of times one of us has been asked by family members, co-workers, etc., about when we’re getting married. If we don’t answer or say we don’t know, it doesn’t mean the conversation hasn’t happened. Maybe it’s not how we see our future. Maybe it is and we’re waiting on pieces to fall together. Or, maybe it’s none of your d*mn business.
We’re incredibly private about our relationship. We have photos together but, they’re not really plastered all over social media. That’s just not our thing. And, before someone is like, “your relationship isn’t real if it’s not publicized”, just SIT DOWN. You’re worse than the lady down the street. You know the one.
#3. “Oh my gosh! Is that your real hair? Can I touch it?”
You should really see some of the GIFs on this and videos. This is a question a lot of women of color, especially black women, get. Some people don’t mind getting their hair played with by anyone and everyone. However, my tightly coiled 4c hair takes energy and time. If you walk up to me and ask that as you’re proceeding to touch me, GIRL. WE NEED TO HAVE A TALK.
Now, I know internally many girls are going “but really, is that all hers? I need to know A) how she got it like that and B) if it’s not hers, where can I get my hands on this? I am ready to live my best life this summer!” I’ve been there, I hear you. It still doesn’t give anyone the right to just be like “let me put my fingers in your curls. My hair is naturally straight. It doesn’t do it. I bet yours will hold any hairstyle.”
Yes, I’ve heard this my entire life even when I was getting relaxers at home. I’m sure I heard it when I was little too since my hair was all the way down my back. But, I hear this more now that I’m natural.
The point is, just don’t do it. If sis wants to say “you can go ahead and touch it if you want to feel how it differs from yours” that’s her choice. Speaking of her choices, and mine…
#4. “You’re showing so much skin! Don’t you respect your body?!”
Repeat after me: My body, my choice. Her body, her choice. Their body, their choice.
That is all that it boils down to. The funny thing I find about this statement is it’s typically coming from the girl or guy who goes to church every Sunday, gets blackout drunk every Saturday, and likes to judge people Monday thru Friday. First of all, I am not knocking having faith or partying. However, has anyone else noticed there are quite a few church-goers who seem to have opinions about the lifestyles of other people they don’t even know?
I get it. If you think it’s too much skin for you, you don’t have to wear it. Nobody is asking you to. But, if I so feel I want to wear a mesh dress with a two piece bikini under it at the beach, I’m going to do it. If she wants to wear a crop top and shorts, she’s going to do it. If they want to wear a mini skirt and a matching top, they can do it. If we want to take photos of ourselves living life lavishly and looking amazing while doing it, we will.
Repeat after me: My body, my choice. Her body, her choice. Their body, their choice.
#5. “Can I see that smile? Come on, beautiful.”
Gag with me a m*therf*cking spoon. If I could physically gag like this every time this happens, I would GLADLY do so. Therein lies the problem.
This is extremely uncomfortable to deal with. You’re typically alone and just trying to get sh*t done. I mean, I’ve been in the grocery store running errands, shooting photography around the city, or having a night out with my besties. We’ve essentially been taught to go ahead and smile because it’s the safer option. Think about it. How many times have you heard the following?
Stay safe. Always have your phone charged. Never walk alone at night. Don’t ever give your real name. Watch your drink. Don’t stop to talk, just keep moving.
You should be able to walk down the street, walk into Wal-Mart, go to the club, walk anywhere, and not be in a state of constant fear. You should also be able to handle your business and not have to worry about some scrub bothering you. Like, why do I have to smile when you ask? It’s my face. MINE.
#6. “You’re either into men or you’re into women. Which one is it?”
I’m about to shock a lot of people who follow us. That GIF is exactly how I view it too.
It’s fluid, it’s freedom. Some people identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or pansexual. I just haven’t put a label on who I’m into it or my sexuality.
I know romantically that I want relationships with men. I want to get married to a man. It’s how I’ve always envisioned that aspect of my life, even after doing further research. These are all my personal decisions.
Sexually, I’m not so “this is how it is.” I’m attracted to whom I’m attracted to. It’s not this overwhelming urge to have sex with everyone that walks the earth. If I find you beautiful or sexy, I’ll tell you. I have no shame. I’ll hype you up even if I’m not into you like that.
Let me repeat this: Just because I compliment you doesn’t mean I’m trying to jump all over you. That’s not how any of this works.
This doesn’t mean I’m into casual sex. This doesn’t mean I’m not spiritual. This doesn’t mean I’m afraid of commitment or experimenting. Just because sexually I’m more open, doesn’t mean you can label how that’s supposed to look. It will look different for everyone.
Honestly, there’s an entire As/Is video you can watch on debunking common misconceptions. There are plenty of people who believe in sexual freedom and will gladly tell you they’re not more likely to cheat. P.S. There also plenty of those who’ll also tell you that they’re religious. Most people find that part mind-blowing.
#7. “You’re a feminist? But, you don’t hate all men.”
I cackle. I die. Sometimes, I want to say “Google it” when people ask this. Feminism is a noun. It’s legitimately the advocacy of women's rights on the basis of the equality of the sexes.
Where on earth does it say that we who identify as feminists hate men? WHERE?!?
There are plenty of women who won’t claim feminism because they believe the current version isn’t intersectional and because of those radical feminism ideals. I’m here to set the record straight on what I believe modern-day feminism is. It’s an intersectional movement. One where men are included as allies so that we may advocate on behalf of women’s rights together.
I know, I know. So radical. Like wow. Who would’ve thought?
What are some questions that you get on a day-to-day basis? We’ll probably have to do a parts 2, 3, and probably even 4 because we know we’re missing plenty!