Finding My Place in Transition

So, here I am. Sitting on my bed with my string lights giving a dim light across my room, staring at the countdown of just a few days before everything changes. College was always something I dreamt of growing up, but I always assumed that I’d be stuck down another path where higher education just didn’t fit into the mix. To have the opportunity to take my life and mold it into something brighter and more brilliant than I could fathom is something I’ll forever be grateful for, and dedicate myself to fully. I am someone who makes the most of everything I have, and my future will be no exception to this trend.

    I’ve lived in the same town, the same house for that matter, my entire life. Everything I’ve ever done and everywhere I’ve ever gone has always ended back in the same suburban neighborhood, back to the same bedroom where the closet doors just never seemed to be able to stay on their hinges. I can list off the best places to order a pork roll, egg, and cheese bagel for a beach day, and I can also give advice on what beach is the best depending on the day of the week. This little corner of the world, even appointed the title “the biggest small town,’ has been engraved into my mind and heart. Despite the days where I’ve yearned for something different and not so familiar, I’m so grateful to have the privilege of calling this place my home. I know that I am not leaving it forever, nor will it ever become inaccessible, but when I return, the town I grew up in will be different. It will not be the only town I’ve ever called home, but, just the first.

    Finding my place outside of my own world was something that used to intimidate me. I always knew what I wanted for myself, and how to entertain myself. I never had a problem with sitting alone in my living room with a book, or having weekends empty on my calendar. It wasn’t until the last few years where I finally felt at home with the faces I surrounded myself with. The friendships I’ve made most recently are ones that I will never take for granted. They’re the ones that are always around to go take a ride to the beach and have heart to hearts, but they’re also the ones who will spend hours on the couch watching mystery shows together at peace. They’re the ones who get just as excited as to find a hidden cafe on a day to the city, and the ones who will take just as many pictures of the trip. They’re the ones who don’t question the amount of deep and dark secrets that are spilled on the way home, but who spill just as many as their own back. They’re genuine, and they’re heartfelt. They’re the ones that I rely on, and they’re the ones who I will put before myself any day when needed, no matter how far or close we may be. Everyone who I have connected with have lead lives with tales filled to the brim, and to have been able to learn from their stories has been an honor.

    I’m only eighteen, and I’ve got the entire world in front of me. My life has been full of love and loss and growth. I’ve had the privilege of finding my passions, and spreading light. I’ve seen devastation, and I’ve felt isolation. Although I like to think that everything in my past has led me to be prepared for this, I would not say that I am utterly and completely ready to embark. It may just be a drive away, but with the drive comes everything new. I know I’ll find my place in my new home, but it’s an intimidating idea to up and leave everything and everyone that I have become so familiar with so quickly. The advanced notice was given on when it would come, but it still just doesn’t seem like enough time. There’s not much left to do now but to pack and unpack. Saying goodbye will only be temporary, but I already feel the anticipation crawling up my back. This is where everything starts to happen, and my life becomes completely vulnerable. I know that it won’t be as glorious as it paints itself to be, but I’m optimistic. Reality may present itself in harsher terms than I plan for sometimes, but I know that I’ll end victorious.

So, here I am.

    Nuzzled under my blankets and surplus of pillows, physically comfortable but emotionally uneasy. I’m sitting in my bedroom, surrounded by everything as familiar as it possibly could get. I am safe and secure in this place, in this very moment. I’m filled with gratitude for the people who made themselves a part of my life, for the places that I have had the chance to explore, and for the lessons that I have been enlightened with. And even though it won’t be long until I find myself feeling like the small fish in an empty pond, I know that I’ll make my mark on my new home soon enough.


Photo by Dan Bøțan on Unsplash