I have this thing about me, perhaps it is the fault of a lack of self confidence or perhaps it is something else, that makes me feel that I never deserve anyone as good as they come. Looking through the timeline of my friendships, I have always drifted towards the people who are just a bit broken, or those that have seen the whole world and felt every emotion in just a short time span. It isn’t bad to befriend warriors, but when it comes to losing yourself for them, a line must be drawn.
Healing has always been something that I strive to do. I cannot fathom going on knowing that anyone I care about is in pain or is struggling, and put everything I can out on the table for them. I constantly feel an overwhelming pressure when someone I know tells me of something they’re going through, because I never want them to feel that they are going through it alone.
Unfortunately, as I have learnt, what I put out more often than not does not equate to what others can return. I am not talking about lending someone a few hundred dollars and expecting them to buy me a new purse in exchange. It is not the material items that weigh me down, but the time and effort. It’s a striking thing to realize that you have spent incredible amounts of thinking of someone, where they barely put the time of day in to see if you had work that day. I find that I get too involved in friendships, just to have them widdle away due to the other side. I am constantly the giver, and never the receiver.
With those times of exhausting relationships and endlessly detours that never led to anywhere secure, I have been lucky to find comfort in friends who treat me just as well as I treat them. I feel accepted, appreciated, and loved. I do not think of performing favors or aid as a chore, as they are deserving of my energy, and with that, I know that that same energy will be returned to me the moment I seek it.
I am not someone who always wants or expects things. I am a very simplistic liver, and find happiness in the smallest things. Friendships are not one sided, nor two sided, but they are rounded. They consist of a constant rotation of diving in to each other, supporting each other, and caring for each other. There is not a definite sequence of friendship, where one gives the other must receive and then return immediately. There is a unique flow that makes all ends feel fulfilled, and valued in the relationship. If you are finding that all of your effort is going into keeping the faulty rotation moving, take a moment to reflect.