Trigger warning: I will be speaking about my personal experience with sexual molestation and how it has affected the way I view my own sexuality. however, I will be sparing you of the complete story and will only be providing minor details.
In 2003, at the age of 10, I was molested by a boy who happened to be 3 years older than me, and I can still vividly remember how I felt walking home afterwards. Especially the part where I felt powerless and like a stranger in my own body; it was like had lost ownership of it and I thought that I couldn’t tell anyone.
The reason why I’m choosing to emphasize the words ownership and powerless is because these two factors had a huge influence on the way I shaped the perspective on my sexuality in the future.
A few years later, I would be easily persuaded into sexual acts because, after my experience of being molested, I had a false belief that I was not meant to be loved, but instead I was meant to be used to satisfy others' sexual desires. My false belief, although understandable, was dangerously poisonous. Its inhabitance in my mind falsely justified my future attempts to reclaim the ownership of my body and the power over my sexuality.
As I began to live an unhealthy sexual lifestyle on a personal vendetta, I became blind to the fact that I was interchanging the definition of love, and mistakenly redefining it as physical touch. Unbeknownst to myself, I was establishing emotional barriers that would soon make baring my naked body to others easier than baring my feelings.
In effect, these barriers would soon make it difficult for me to remain in a committed relationship because I was accustomed to establishing temporary relationships, such as one night stands or friends with benefits, rather than permanent relationships.
In the long run, the consequences of my actions would not only affect how I held relationships with others, but it would also start affecting my relationship with myself. I began to lose sight of my self-identity while sinking into isolation and depression.
It was important for me to identify all of these emotional symptoms during the course of my journey because it was all fruit off the same tree. I had mistakenly focused on each individual factor and overlooked that all of my emotional turmoil was harvested by my attempts to reclaim and emotionally rewrite my sexuality.
With this short description of one of my life experiences, I hope that this will encourage you to explore the reasons for why your sexuality may be hindered or tainted. Although the conversation about sexuality is not a taboo anymore, talking about healthy emotional practices tied to sexuality is.
When exploring your thoughts and your feelings after reading this blog, forgive yourself for not speaking up, for any mistakes that you might’ve made and for anything that you might’ve permitted. Forgive anyone whose blemished your innocence, your joy, your self-worth or your confidence. Next, identify how your life experiences have molded your sexuality and your approach to it, and take action on ceasing any self-destructive habits or customs. Lastly, be willing to turn over a new leaf and explore who you are after this process of emotional healing because through it you have grown, and who you are after it is still worthy.
Always remember that you are not what happens to you. What defines you is how you choose to grow through your experiences. Love yourself free of paradigms, rules, or judgment.
Photo Credit: Rodolfo Sanches Carvalho
I listened to 140, 930 minutes of music on Spotify in 2017 and currently working on breaking my record this year.